I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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