I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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