is your mom at the bar?
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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