you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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