Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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