Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
