It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
