Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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