Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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