I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
