If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
