Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
