The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
