My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
