census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i think i have herpe
just one?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize