Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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