i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
