Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
