Capitaan dildo arrescate!
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
