Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
