he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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