When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
