i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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