My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
