I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
