Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
