rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
