when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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