i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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