I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
