I just made out with a guy for $7.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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