I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
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