walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
