I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
