I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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