she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
