A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
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