She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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