Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just had sex on a roof
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Randomize
