Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
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