i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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