youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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