he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
