the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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