That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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