I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
