He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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