I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
