What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
