it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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