Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
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I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
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I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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